Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Day 1, Exhale Big Breath....

January 11, 2011 this is the day I begin to become accountable to myself. Here is a little background so you will understand where this is coming from, just another blog out there in bloggisphere of another fat gal wanting to make changes and up until now unable...all of my life, at least my entire life as I remember, I have focused some how, some way on food. When I was a young girl and became anxious, which was daily, I handled that anxiety with food. When I was in grade school some kids would call me "Fatty," etc. when I look back at my pics and I see I wasn't really large at all, a plump little girl, but not FAT. I handled the taunts by eating more food. When I woke up I would be thinking what is for breakfast and as I ate breakfast I would be asking mom what were we having for supper. This set the scale of the rest of my life, food is how I handle love, food is how I handle rejection, food is how I handle stress, food is how I handle ANYTHING life has to offer me.

To make a long story short, from the rejection of my first real boyfriend to the final rejection of my ex-husband I have filled the last 25 years of a constant, and I mean Daily, complusion of these thoughts, "I need to diet, I have to diet, I have to lose weight, going to start today, Started today, cheated after lunch, crap...I will start again tomorrow, ok I have tried this DIET for 3 days and I haven't lost a pound, I am going to swtich to this DIET because it is working for her, no it's been another several days and I haven't lost a pound I am switching back to this DIET, Got to lose weight, will start tomorrow..." and on and on it goes, round and round every single fucking day and has for years on end. I am not at my highest weight which is well above 200 pounds but I continue to have these days of emotional eating and then feeling worthless and a complete failure when I eat a little off plan to the point I give up and swear to myself to start again tomorrow or after the weekend or in all honesty NEVER. I realize I am addicted to carbs and sugar and go back and forth from salty to sweet when I am in the mode to screw up.  I am researching on how best to break free from it. To break free from sugar, refined white flour, cokes, etc. that give me that "feel good" although ultimately make me feel so bad.  I am a single mother with a disabled child, basically the sole care taker, and I need to be healthy and happy for myself and for him. I would give my life at any second for my child, why can't I do this? Why can't I quit this destructive self behavior for him? Maybe because it's not about him, but me. It will be hard to break 40 years of behavior. But I am going to try. I see it is going to be a daily struggle but here are the behavior goals I am setting for myself:

1. If I eat a bite that isn't what is deemed "healthy" I am not going to throw in the towel and eat all I want just "starting again tomorrow."

2. I am going to try and look at something about myself each day in a positive way.

3. I am going to not "diet hop" from one program to the next, meaning I am not starting Weight Watchers today and by this evening be on a low carb eating plan.

4. I am going to have some form of exercise DAILY.

5. I am going to blog my thoughts, feelings, eating patterns, etc. to have a record of these things in attempt to gain control back of my life.

Eating Behavior: To Start Out

1. At first I am going to eat 5 to 6 mini meals a day to stablize my blood sugar and hopefully to help control portions and binges.

2. I am going to eat fruit, veggies, whole wheat products, protein, low fat dairy and stay away from white flour, sugar and most high carb foods.

3. NO FREAKING COKES, but lots of water and tea.

4. More later as I go along...

I am going try and enjoy the rest of what this day and every day has to offer.

"And what does January hold? Clean account books. Blank diaries. Those hundred and sixty-five new days, neatly parceled into weeks, months, seasons. A chunk of time, of life...those few first notes like an orchestra tuning up before the play begins."
Phyllis Nicholson, "Country Bouquet" (1947)

Food Today:
Breakfast:   1 bagel thin with 2 Tbsp peanut butter
                     1 cup 2% milk
Snack:          1/2 stick string cheese
                     handful pecans and a few pistas
Lunch:          baked chicken (breast, leg, thigh) no skin
                     10 pieces pork rinds
                     1 orange
Snack:         1/2 stick string cheese 
                      1/2 apple
Dinner:         2 cups chicken and veggie soup     

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